i’m full of great!

Posted on November 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

happy thanksgiving, y’all!  as i sip my morning whiskey coffee, i’m thinking that by THIS this time next year i’ll finally be a rockette.  i just know it!

or george clooney’s wife.  or heck…both!  and while it’ll be difficult balancing my macy’s day parade responsibilities with my clooney household thanksgiving preparations, coco is totally ready for the challenge.  that’s because the clooney-murphy mansion will be well-stocked with potent potables, kicky rockette costumes, and deviled eggs that i intend to eat off my husband’s hunky body.

but until then, i figure it’ll be good to take a moment to give thanks for all the amazeballs things in my life right now.  but my stars and garters….where to start?  my head is so chock full of great things for which i’m grateful, it’s starting to swirl.  or maybe that’s the irish whiskey…i mean coffee.

and said head swirling means only one thing: its time to detox make a list!  and boy do i looooooove to making lists.  lists are awesome.  lists speak to my moderate OCD.  and like a 5-year old, coco needs boundaries…of which lists also provide. is there anything that a list can’t do?! so with no further ado, here’s coco’s ABC’s of gratitude.

A: artistic expression…my theatre company has been my safe harbor, my artistic respite. a place where they let me sing and dance and act even thought i’m not exceptionally good at any of the above.  i am so grateful for my creative home and the people who live under its artistic roof.

B: beyonce.  thank you for reminding me that girls rule the world, that if he likes it then he should put a ring on it, and if he don’t, coco can upgrade you, upgrade you.

C: CLOONEY!!!

D: deviled eggs (see above).  i’m making some right now for tonight’s thanksgiving feast…i figured it’ll be good practice for next year’s very clooney thanksgiving.

E: espresso.  duh.

F: friends.  i am so freakin blessed with the most amazeballs friends a gal could ever have.  they have listened to me moan and groan and spew “that’s what she said” jokes ad nauseum and yet they still talk to me.  and they often ply me with wine and gossip and other necessary sustenance.  to my friends, i love each and every one of you more than you know.  for realz, yo.

G: my gays!  to all my gay friends and LA’s gay community.  thank you for allowing me to get my hag on, celebrate gaga and madonna and robyn, objectify men like it’s a job, and embrace glitter and rainbows and unicorns.

H: hulu.  my gratitude for allowing me to not have a TV and related cable bills for the past year.  this has allowed me to pump this money into my shoe budget.  grateful!!

I: inspiration.  you are ever-present, and for that…i’m am ever-so-thankful.

J: johnny depp.  duh.

K: kitty cats.  thank you for being so popular on the innernets.  lolcats, ninja kitty, caturdays…the list is endless.  yay, pussy power!

L: los angeles.  you have been my muse for 5 years and i still can’t quit you.  thank you for your sunshine and pretty people and boys in beanies and palm trees and art and coffee beans and other innumerable awesome things.  i love you long time!

M: music.  ever since i was voted most musical in the 8th grade, i can’t help but to think i’m destined to be a pop star of epic proportions.  but in the interim, i am so thankful for the inspiration that music provides…and for all my musician friends and family who give us the gift of music.

N:  nineties hip hop bands.  dear salt n peppa, biggie, tupac, SWV, arrested development, TLC, and tribe called quest, thank you for being eternally amazeballs.  thug life forever!

O: OMFG.  thank you for being the best acronym to text, IM, shout, etc.  OMFG i love you!

P: palm springs vacation.  thank you, palm springs posse for the amazeballs and much needed vacation.  however, my liver does not feel the same gratitude.

Q: quinoa.  you are delicious, yet i still have a tough time pronouncing you.  thanks for the challenge! i love a challenge!

R: robyn.  i can’t stop listening to your body talk CD.  you have been my 2011 soundtrack…and for that, i’m totes thankful.

S: shoes.  duh!

T: trials and tribulations.  2011 has been a challenging year for so many people…including myself.  but with every challenge, we have all grown stronger.  thank you, trials and tribulations, for helping me recalibrate my priorities and to appreciate the little things in life.

U: uggs.  to my 5-year old uggs.  you may smell, look a bit worse for wear, and get relegated to only the weekends…but i can’t imagine life without your fleecy goodness.

V: vodka.  god bless vodka.

W: writing.  i am so very grateful for having you in my life.  you make everything better.

X: xenu!

Y: yazmeena the cat: 2 continents, 10 homes, a few boys, and 15 years…and you still greet me at the door every night.  you are the bestest kitty in the whole wide world, amen.

Z: zonks! thank you for being a great “z” word.  i don’t use you enough in my daily lexicon, but i shall change that immediately!

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Posted in boys, cats, faith, fame, life, love, new beginnings, writing

stage clooney

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 2 Comments

i have cramps. george clooney is still dating her. i’m pretty sure the pimple on my chin will never go away.

and starting february 22nd, 2012 i’ll be laid off.

and here i was feeling far too franchised with the stable job and good benefits and paid-off car. now that i’ll be job-challenged, at least i have some street cred with the 99% movement.  and i’ve always wanted to buy a che guevara-shirt.  and most importantly, since my life is now imitating george clooney art, perhaps he’ll be more apt to cancel the restraining order return my emails?

so as you can imagine, it’s been a less-than-amazeballs week for me and the rest of my soon-to-be 86′d colleagues.  the mood swings have been more erratic than britney circa 2007-8.  the hangovers…epic.  the use of words that even truck drivers would blush at…impressive. and the sense of loss…perhaps almost as great as kris kardashian humphries’ back account heart right about now.

while public health types are driven by the need to heal others, we’re exceptionally bad at healing ourselves. and since we’re doing god’s work for peanuts and have a lot of education and are totally better than our for-profit friends and drive crappy cars and can talk about body fluids without blushing, we like to believe that we are indispensable. but alas, like a hugh hefner girlfriend, we are all replaceable.

a bunch of us with the pink skips were remarking that it’s been more difficult than we expected.  and that’s when someone started talking about seven stages of grief.  while i started to roll my eyes, i actually realized that coco’s invented her own version of the 7 stages. they’re something like this:

stage one: shock and return those cute, new boots. as most (including me) assumed i wouldn’t be impacted by the layoffs, this turn of events was more shocking than the fact that i actually did laundry last weekend. and those cute, non-public-health-professional-priced boots that i bought a few days before the pink slip?  yup, those had to go back to the store.  which of course, lead me to stage two.

stage two: pain and pinot grigio.  dear producers of pinot grigio, pinot gris, and other similar varietals.  please consider donating product to la vida coco.  at the rate i’m going through the stuff, i feel as though you should consider giving back to a worthy cause…me.  and as a thank you, i’ll totally give you product placement that will be very visible to my four many readers.

stage three: anger and dance party!  thankfully, my irish temper flared up right around the time of my friend’s birthday-cum-halloween party. this allowed me to look trampy wear a costume, drink A LOT of champagne with some of my favorite gays, and dance my a$$ off.  there’s no better antidote to feeling P.O.’d than wearing a wig and dancing to kylie minogue while you molest flirt with the straight waiter.  and note to self…when security asks you to get off the go-go dancer’s podium, you should comply. immediately.

stage four: depression and tater-tot addiction. i refuse to admit that there might have been a few nights where i put my pjs on at 6 pm, watched old buffy the vampire slayer episodes, ate an entire bag of tater tots and cried over my lost boots.  i blame the pinot grigio (see above).

stage five: the upward turn (inclusive in kicking the tater-tot addiction).  we’re working on this one.  stay tuned.

stage six: working through and joining linked-in.  i did the latter. thinking of wearing pearls and getting my MBA now.

stage seven: acceptance and hope.  aka, “i win project runway and marry george clooney”.

so as we work towards stage clooney seven, please send love and light towards all of us impacted by the sucky economy.  in return, i’ll totally invite you to the clooney-coco nuptials–which will feature tater tots, champagne, and sarah michelle gellar and tim gunn as my bridesmaids.

——————

for mimi

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Posted in boys, faith, life, new beginnings

future ex-husband friday, “wow, i haven’t written one of these in forever!” edition

Posted on October 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

it’s the day that rebecca black made famous. yup, kids, it’s fridaaaay!  and you know what that means.

welcome to

you may have noticed (please tell me you noticed??!!) that i’ve been unbloggy since i returned from malaweeeeeeeeeeeeeee.   i’ll spare you the gory details, but  i got myself a case of the giarda…or as i like to call it kara dioguardi.

what's worse...the former american idol judge or the protozoan parasite? vote early. vote often.

their similarities are striking: coco can’t seem to pronounce either. both were wildly unpopular.  both kinda stunk.  both finally left after some intervention.

well, now i’m 5-pounds lighter, yay! completely better and ready to get my blog on, yo.  and i figured that there wasn’t a better way to get back in the saddle than with a future ex-husband friday post.

let’s do this!

_________________________________

future ex-husband’s name: amir

rawr!

i’ve been in love with amir since i moved to los angeles.  i drive past his billboard every day and never grow tired of those dark, mysterious eyes.  he’s so g*d damn sexy that he doesn’t need a last name. and after a 5-year, imaginary love affair, it’s about time that he became my future ex-husband.

future ex-husband’s occupation: fashion god.  duh.

future ex husband’s age: doesn’t matter.  he has photoshop.

future ex-husband’s best feature: a tie between his eyebrows and his wallet.

how we fake met: at a very exclusive waxing establishment.

how he fake proposed: on a billboard. duh.

number of fake children: 6.  all named amir.

why our fake marriage fell apart: one day he didn’t show up for our joint spray tan appointment. i became extremely suspicious and tracked him down at our 21 zillion dollar estate in beverly hills.  it was here that i found him in a compromising position with another billboard legend. knowing that i couldn’t compete with her beauty, i filed for divorce.

terms of fake divorce settlement:  i got a billboard off robertson.  he kept the one on santa monica.  i get our airbrusher every other weekend and holidays.

____________________

happy friday, y’all!

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Posted in boys, life, love

firestarter, malawi edition

Posted on September 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

when i called my driver today to confirm a pickup, i somehow managed to get the wrong number…

———————–

me: “hi, edwin? did aida speak to you about picking me up at 10 am?”

person on the other line: “ah, hello, how are you”?

me: “i’m well, edwin.  how are you today?”

person on the other line: “i am well!  i am glad you are well, also.”

pause

madame.  ‘i regret to inform you, though, that i am not edwin.”

me: “oh…”

person on the other line: “you have reached the fire brigade, madame. perhaps the number you are calling has ’999′ in it.  that is the number for fires.”

me: “oh my gosh!  i’m so sorry!”

person on the other line: “no worries, madame.  we hope you find your edwin.  have a nice day.”

me: “you too”

______________________________

once my embarrassment subsided and i figured that the police wouldn’t come looking for me, i could help but to wonder two things….

(1) are malawi firemen hot like their american brethren?

(2) are there stiff penalties here for calling in a false alarm so as to ascertain the answer question number 1?

ha…i said “stiff”.  thanks for being awesome, malawi! i’ll miss you!

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Posted in boys, life

how do you say ‘amazeballs’ in chichewa?

Posted on September 22, 2011 | 3 Comments

coco too pooped to blog.  coco just posts a couple of pics.  malawi = amazeballs.  i drink beer now. the end.

my sweet baby boys

this sh*t's bananas! b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

inspirational peeps

landscape

my window into malawi has often been a car window

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Posted in driving, life

london to ibiza…straight to LA, new york, vegas to africa!

Posted on September 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

sawubona!  that’s zulu for “greetings!” and since that’s the only word i know in zulu, i’m always stoked when i get a chance to use it.  i just checked into my hotel here in Johannesburg, South Africa and seriously considered kissing the porter when i got to my room.  it’s been 31 hours since i left hollywood and my funk factor tiredness is epic.  but instead of showering and/or resting, i am watching the news in Zulu (hoping I’ll hear the one word i know) and, well writing to you.  the journey was ridiculously long, carbohydrate-filled and crowded, but i did meet some super interesting people along the way.  there was the older sage anthropologist from senegal who informed me that i would have not one but TWO marriage proposals in the next 12 months (you hear that george clooney and johnny depp?!!). and there was the south african flight attendant who chastised me for not taking sugar in my tea.  “miss, may i suggest you take sugar next time?” i responded, “um, why?” his reply, “because life can be bitter…better to add some sweetness.” of course, i nearly proposed to him right then and there. and my high school french teacher would have been proud as i helped a nice french-only speaking woman from the small island of reunion check in to our hotel.  while i may have told her that her room was on the 500th floor and that i hope she have a pretty stay, i’m hoping  i did more good than harm. these great african interactions will offset the fact that i was greeted in the johannesburg airport by jlo singing over the speaker system about doing things on the floor (i guess she does reference africa in the chorus) and advertisements for coca cola.  oh, globalization!

well, the shower and mini bar gym calls.  and tomorrow, back to the airport to finish the journey to mala-weeeee!  talk to you then! xoxo

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Posted in Uncategorized

mala-weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Posted on September 15, 2011 | 3 Comments

well, kids…in a few short hours, i’ll be starting my 4, 567.5 hour journey to the great nation of Malawi.  or as i like to call it:

mala-weeeeeeeeeeee!

this is madonna in malawi. please note that i will NOT be wearing this outfit at any point on my trip.

and wanna hear something crazy?!  i’m finished packing and have more than 3 hours to spare.  and i don’t like to brag, but coco also squueeeeeezed packed 10 days of clothes in her small suitcase.

coco's got some baggage!

you know…the size you could carry on to the plane with you.  or as i like to refer to it…’fun-sized’ luggage or ‘the size i never use because how can i get 6 pairs of shoes, two pairs of boots, 45 dresses and my hairdryer in such a ridiculously sized’ bag?  it’s apparent that this could be my most important accomplishment ever.

and these long trips halfway across the world mean sending yazzy off to be watched by a very brave and patient friend.  she’s been with her babysitter for 24 hours now, and i’m shocked happy to report that she’s been such a brave lil girl. i, on the other hand, have been checking in on her every 3.4 seconds and worrying about her every nanosecond. god help me when i become a parent to a human child.  i plan to start saving for their therapy when i get back….and will be accepting donations.  or wine.  or both.

making sure she gets all her white fur on her babysitter's black robe. that's my girl.

so back to mala-weeeeeeeeee.  it’s been almost exactly a year since my job let me loose in africa, and i’m psyched that they’re actually letting me go back.  armed with my fancy camera that i’m freaked out will get stolen or hurt, TWO pairs of naturalizer shoes (eat your heart out imelda marcos), and a giddiness that comes with the notion that i somehow need to be at the airport at 4 am, coco is sooo ready for her next african adventure.  i’ve not been to mala-weeeeee before and, thus, am not really sure what to expect. but since wikipedia says its nickname is “the warm heart of africa”, i’m convinced i’ll fall in love with it faster than my future love child with george clooney.  while there, pending this doesn’t lead to things getting all cray-cray, i’ll be seeing a lot of the capital to visit groups that also fight the AIDS.  and on the last day, i’ll be seeing our own clinics and getting to witness all the babies and mamas that we help.  and check this out…i’ll be blogging my experience for my jobby job! and there gonna put it up on our website and everything!  so i guess that means i better get to bed.

wish me luck, y’all.  i’ll miss you!

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Posted in cats, life, shoes, writing

dear photographer stephen crowley

Posted on September 11, 2011 | 2 Comments

for the past few days coco’s been feeling like butt.  and said butt-feelingness couldn’t have come at a worse time as work and life seem to be more demanding than a lohan child.  finally calling ‘uncle’ (UNCLE!), i had to jump off life’s treadmill and try to get myself well again.  which meant staying home on a saturday night and falling asleep at an hour even a 6-year old would scoff at.

but before i travelled to sleepyland, i started thinking about 10 years ago.  and since I’m already predisposed to excessive sentimentality, anniversaries are a big deal in la vida coco.  sadly, though, today marks a craptastic moment in so many people’s lives. and like a really bad tattoo inked in a back alley by a guy known as hepatitis henry, 9/11 is something that we all wish we could somehow wash away.  but alas, September 11, 2001 is part of our collective memory, and we all have a story to tell.  and i would like to tell mine through a letter i wrote last night.

———————————

"A DAY OF TERROR: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT; Driven Underground, Administration and Congressional Officials Stay on the Job," new york times, september 12, 2001

september 10, 2011

dear stephen crowley,

nine years and 364 days ago, you shot a picture of a handful of people evacuating the white house. that image landed me on page A5 of the NY Times on Sept 12, 2001. you might find it amusing that i wasn’t actually a white house employee (as a hard-core democrat, i found my mistaken identity hilarious!). i actually worked for a global health non-profit around the corner. right before you shot this photograph, i was en-route to a press conference about a new vaccine when we were met by men with machine guns who shouted at us to clear the area.  and to this day i still wonder where you were when you took this shot as i didn’t see you nor your camera among all the chaos.

on the night of september 11, 2001, we were “strongly urged” by our work to show up at the office the next day. around noon on september 12, i begrudgingly drove past the pentagon and that gaping hole, still smoking from the plane’s impact, to my office two blocks from the white house. with the sounds of jets flying overhead and the sight of surface to air missiles on 14th street, that was the most surreal commute of my life. my coworkers and i  just wanted to be at home with our loved ones. however, upon discovering our picture in our company’s copy of the NY Times, a strange, but welcomed laughter gripped us that afternoon.

i am the woman in the far right of the shot (behind the suited man). i was 27 at the time. right before you shot this, i said to my colleague (the pretty ethiopian woman in the cute dress suit next to me), “i don’t think it’s a great idea to be so close to the white house right now”. the hours after that picture was taken were some of the scariest of my life. but fear transitioned into challenge over the months that were to follow. my fiance at the time was a flight instructor in maryland. due to the no-fly zone around DC, he was grounded for months. we lived off one income (and a meager, non-profit one at that) for quite some time. we had just moved back from the middle east nine months before with hopes that he would be able to join a small regional airline. 9/11 dashed those dreams for years. i continued my work as a young international public health professional, traveling throughout the world during those unsettling times. but where there was darkness, there was also light. i saw how 9/11 prompted our leaders to look closer at the world and some of its greatest challenges. i believe that the massive response to HIV/AIDS in Africa in the years after Sept 11 was, in part, inspired by this event and our new world view.

ten years on, i now live in los angeles. i still work in international public health…now for a pediatric aids organization. i spend my free time doing theatre, writing a blog and soaking in the sun (with sunblock, of course). my fiance at the time and i are no longer together, but he finally made it to a regional airline and is hoping to join one of the ‘big airlines’ soon…and i’m very happy for him.  i think that day taught me to feel more, love more, live more, play more.  i am very much looking forward to the next ten years…maybe finding my mister right, starting a family, and seeing where my writing takes me.

thank you for doing what you do. that picture will always remind me to live each day to its fullest. and for that, i’m extremely grateful.

warm regards,

c.m.

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Posted in love, near death, new beginnings

an open letter to my menfolk

Posted on August 29, 2011 | 3 Comments

dear men,

you know that coco loves her some menfolk. the whole “being from mars” thing…i adore that whole ‘pragmatic’ and ‘focused’ martian thang you got going on.   some of my best friends are men, and my life is boozier richer because of their presence.  i’ve also been blessed with some amazing boyfriends who’ve showed me unconditional love and respect…two things  i’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

so then why is coco ready to go to war with some of your kind?  read on…

i’ve grown up being told that i live in an era of equality.  where you and i are now on equal playing fields.   and it’s supposed to be an awesome time for us ladies.  i mean, beyonce is always singing about it, so it must be true, right?  we have the rights and opportunities that generations of women before us only dreamed of.  so why is it that in many ways it still kinda sucks to be a woman in 2011?

the reasons range from general annoyances to utterly unacceptable. maybe i could turn a blind eye to the (many) male colleagues over the years who find it acceptable to stare at my boobs while i attempt to talk about business…but since it’s pretty prevalent, it makes it difficult. and the fact that i have to constantly think about my personal safety when taking a walk, putting things in my car, and basically any facet of my life?  well, i’m really tired of that, too.

and while all of the above stinks, my female friends and i continue to live our lives and rise above the nonsense.  deal with it.  be strong.  be better than all that.  but as of today, i’ve officially had it. today i learned that a second female friend in as many months was sexually assaulted.  while both crimes were different, both were perpetrated at the hands of “normal guys” who took advantage of a woman and their respective situations to not only do something unthinkable…but to also ensure that their prosecution will be extremely difficult.  you can read about one of the horrendous violations here:

http://www.thebrokeassbride.com/2011/08/an-open-letter-to-spirit-airlines/

please don’t get me wrong.  i truly don’t think that all men are bad..or even a large proportion.  but what i AM saying is that there’s enough bad behavior towards women going around that we must shout a collective “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!”.  i’m asking you to demand more from your peers. to speak up when disrespect towards women is overheard or witnessed.  to lead by example and ensure that our our boys and young men have oodles of positive role-models.

please please please let’s start talking about how we treat each other, and join together to create the change we all deserve.  i’d really like that.

love,

your coco

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Posted in boys, faith, life

loverboy

Posted on August 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

coco slept only five hours.  my toilet decided to stop working last night, whereas my bladder did not.  i read this and want to track down this poor lil kid’s parents and punch them in the throat (thankfully for them i’m a pacifist and have curiously small hands).  my recently purchased back-up underwear stash has already been depleted, whereas my laundry strike remains firmly in place.  i feel fat. there’s gonna be another cyrus in the world.   i think my cat is mad at me. i feel super guilty for eating all of the cheez-its and rice-crispy treats out of the earthquake kit that taunts me sits under my desk…and more importantly, i live in constant fear that my office manager will somehow find out.

so while all of the above may lead you to believe that i’m in a bad mood, coco is actually happy as a clam (deep thought…are clams really that happy?).  that’s because i’m taking friday off! friday Friday FRIDAY!   counting on my fingers and toes, it appears that means a 72-hour weekend for the coco. that’s a lot of hours, yo.  and there’s been talk of a trip to vancouver, canadialand to stalk bryan adams see nature and stuff.  or maybe a jaunt to malibu where i can watch surfers be hot surf?  perchance i can brunch in the OC with one-fourth of the palms springs posse?  regardless, i will get a much-needed break from concept note writing, 6:30 am conference calls, spreadsheets and my “i see dead people” temperatured office.

so until then, i’ll be doing EXACTLY what EVERYBODY’S doing per the best thing that EVER came out of canadialand (take note, celine!)

[song and red leather a$$ shakin starts at about--'about' said in the creepy canadialand way--the 2:20 mark]

happy almost weekend, y’all!

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Posted in cats, life, summer